clear-cut about confusion…9-7-21

Do you know confused?  This tizzy of frustrating paralysis?  Have you ever watched yourself generate flimsy excuses about why you’re feeling stuck?  I know this place and last week, muddled to the max, I turned to my Osho deck for inquiry.  “What can you tell me about this confusion?”  And I drew the Compromise card, which made no sense at first. Compromise? Lately my being and doing feel like a total matchup.  See last newsletter.  But the following paragraph just kept rattling me:

“Compromise may be just a repression of your confusion. Never repress anything, be clear-cut about your situation.  If you are confused, remember that you are confused.  This will be the first clear-cut thing about you: that you are confused.  You have started on the journey.” 

When words land in your lap and create recognition and then go on to serve as illumination, maybe even mandate action…well, that’s a library angel.  Not to be ignored. Not only did Osho name my old friend confusion, he went on to ask me to be clear-cut about it.  What an invitation.

Because as soon as I probed what was squished underneath that confusion…well things fell into place.  Just like I said: recognition, illumination, mandated action. There are those who know me well, have witnessed and moved with me through befuddlement default zones.  Lucky me, friends who call me out when I dig myself in deeper, stubbornly mired in confusion, claiming a futile victim-hood.

The particulars are less consequential than this insight.  There may be jewels under the rock of confusion. Who would have thought?  Maybe you know this place, too. And, given a little time, the particulars slowly dawned as I looked under the rock of my current teaching path.  I’m holding space a lot.  For many students and patients.  Called with a vital energy by this pandemic chapter to be in service…with a great deal of passion.  Lately, when I slow down and listen, here’s what I feel: a burgeoning somatic wisdom coupled to the relentless passage of time.  A natural age-mandated season is dawning, a time for holding less space. In fact I’m keenly aware of the longing to be held in practice myself, the desire to show up for my own devoted experience.

The cover up confusion emerged when I faced adding one more commitment: the re-start of that precious mid-week 5Rhythms class.  A space I have held whole-heartedly for so long.  My heart was not in it.  So I check in with my partner Majica who, lucky for me, knows me, understands my need to be in integrity and recognizes truth when she hears it. She instantly got it: my wish to show up only as a student on Wednesday night.  Just for the month of September.  And, just like that,  so it will be.  I can’t wait and I hope to be moving out there with some of you on that precious floor this month of September.

The language of the body is sensation.  Over the course of a couple days I experience the shift.  Confusion feels so dense tense, frozen trapped, compromised.  Deer in the headlights.  With the rock lifted, with light shining in, there is movement and change.  In my body the sensation is one of resting ease, effortless breath, simple grace…fluid alignment.

So I hope I’ve touched those who know confusion.  Together we can practice being clear-cut about this state.  Lift the rock and be curious about what  yearns to be uncovered.  Moments like this are exactly what happen when we are on the dance floor, on the mat and on the treatment table.  Together.