alive all the way to empty…
Last week on retreat at Green Gulch I heard this dharma tale. The story goes like this: before Buddha was Buddha he was a Nepalese prince. A privileged young man who stepped from a life of ease into full on spiritual practice. Dedicated to the pursuit of truth, fruitless years of frustrating dead ends ensued. At long last he sat vowing to meditate until enlightenment arrived. But Mara, who considers control of the human mind his rightful territory, saw this resolve as direct threat. His well-worn tools of illusion and desire and temptation---internal obstacles to peace---were totally at stake.
All night a famous battle raged between the two beneath the Bodhi tree. Until a childhood memory flashed into the not-yet-Buddha’s awareness. A crowded festival, soaring heat, a rose-apple tree. This innocent 5 year-old boy just stops, takes a seat in the quiet shade. Taking this remembrance as a sign, the soon-to-be Buddha stops. Just sits. Illuminated wisdom arrives. The rest is 2,500 years of history. And this mantra---just stop---supported me during the rest of this retreat.
I had been longing for a silent retreat, support for a long term meditation practice. A local Zen sesshin came into view, it worked in my schedule, I just said yes. With very little clue what I was signing on for. But I found out soon enough. The schedule was incredibly rigorous. First bell 4:30am. Hour upon hour of sitting in the Zendo. Some meditative walking, chanting, three ritualized meals, prostrations. Bed at 9:00pm. Repeat.
Of course it was hard. And one reason (of many!) was form: Zen meditation dictates eyes open, facing a white wall. My long established habit was eyes closed. Here’s one take home: eyes closed invites the endless parade of mental shenanigans to arise with greater ease. Eyes open? Oh my gosh. I immediately knew I was straying. This amounted to shock therapy for presence. It was gruelingly relentless. And I was intrigued, really down for it through all the long days.
But the nights were another story. As soon as I surrendered my exhausted self to bed, my mind went into overdrive. It felt chemical. I was sleeping maybe three hours each night so exhaustion pervaded and complicated the daytime sitting. The nights became increasingly terrifying. On the fourth night not one wink of sleep. Unreal. Actually grateful for the 4:30 bell. On the final night, by one in the morning, I considered packing it up. The reality of the dirt road and winding down Highway 1 in darkness and exhaustion took the upper hand. Thank goodness.
Because shortly after the decision to remain, right there in the depths of despair, break through happened. Of course. I got it. All day as I practiced, Mara was absolutely banished, completely relegated to the sidelines. As soon as my head hit pillow, he broke free with a vengeance, rampaging, running amok. Sowing illusion and desire and temptation into every defense-less mental crevice with glee.
And so you might be thinking “what took you so long?” but I believe the timing was perfection. That I needed the repetition to receive the depth. In that illuminated moment it seemed so obvious. I aligned my body even in repose, attuned to breath just slightly altering the phrase that had been serving me all that day. You can breathe with me here:
Inhale: feel your aliveness Exhale: lay (sit) still all the way to empty
I quickly slipped into sleep. Awoke refreshed for the final day with the wisdom that all problems---personal, political, global, planetary---reside in the overwhelming foreground of our experience. It is where our attention naturally is drawn. Quietly residing in the background, waiting for us like a glittering jewel, is the incredible miracle of our aliveness. Can you believe it? We are born into this world and have a brief moment to be alive and then we are gone. So easy to forget. But there in the dark folds of my bed, I focused on my aliveness all the way to empty. And that simple practice is available whenever this complicated life engulfs us. As it will.
Yours in the miraculous stillness of it all…….❤️Bella